Chapter 68
May 2011. Buffalo, New York to London, England.
As soon as I drive down the highway or turn on the television, I am bombarded with more reasons to be afraid… Huge “bears” on the front page of every newspaper and billboard screaming: “Oh Shit! Run!” or “Let’s go get ‘em!” and I just want to say no, please no, stop. Please. We’ve paid in centuries of pain by reacting hastily to every Oh Shit Moment… This will not help anyone or anything. I can’t fight or flight my way into healing or peace, no. Fight or flight only elicits more fight or flight. War will not bring about justice. War will only teach and preach more war. And if there’s a war going on outside of me, you’d better bet that there’s one going on inside of me too. How do I begin to look at my fears and take responsibility for what I can?
Fear
A funny thing
Eh
That
Taking us unknowingly by the hand
Leading us somewhere we didn’t
Nope
We didn’t quite want to
Want to go
Or perhaps
Maybe
Making us sit down
Down
Down
When we had meant to stand up
Up
Up
Convincing us outright
To run away
Far far away
From the one we love
So sorry
Or to battle a country we had thought as friend
Too bad
We can
Yep
Unwrap it like a candy
This fear
Give it a taste and go on our way
Yum
Yum
Or turn it into a ball of
Of
Of
Twisted rubber bands
Overlapping
Colorful
Beautiful even.
Oh the stories we can tell ourselves
Tangling us with tension all the live long day
Long
Long
I’m afraid you will leave me
Also scared I’ll get sick
Then what
Whispering
I wish I wasn’t alone
Or that the garbage truck didn’t come
Or that detour
That president
That
This
That
But no matter what or where or how
Yes
Yes
Yes
We can calendar
And tailor
And tuck in
And be on time
We say yes
And I do
And go team
And then go
And then go.
But when do we sit
Looking straight into the
Vast or the little of the I don’t know
Before
Aw man
And oh shit
And wait what.
Panic ensues
And we fall in love with the freak out
Out
Out
The pattern
And how could she
And why would he
And then what
What
What
What if
Or if
Or if.
Okay calm down
Turn on some music
Have a glass of wine
And welcome this thing in
This fear
Good evening gorgeous
Greet it at the door with open eyes
Joke and give it a wink
And converse
Freely
About the tricks of the trade
And at the end of the night
You know
I know you
So
What do we have to lose
And so and so
And so.
I am terrified of being up so far off the ground. Up in the air. On a plane. If you didn’t already know this about me, you would learn quite quickly when convincing me to go to the airport or when giving me a major pep talk in order to get me to my gate. Sure, you might quote all of the statistics, how much safer we will be up there than here in the car and all that, but I’ve heard it all before and it doesn’t really help. There is no such thing as fearless. With life there will always be death and I could stay in my room and hide out or I could continue my great love affair with being alive.
In every world traveler lives an agoraphobic homebody
In every well-known performer such unrelenting stage fright
In every tightrope walker or skyscraping window washer a fear of heights so vast.
And yet
And yet
And yet.
There also lives a love so great
For the world
The audience
The sky
That they merge their love and fear into wonder
Somehow managing to majestically soar on.
